Ayyyyyyyyy, fuhgeddaboutit. The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back and your trusty one-half Italian, Staten Island-native (with lots of family in New Jersey -- Monmouth county, represent!) is here to give the blow-by-blow for all you juicy husbands and prostitution whores out there.
But first, a quick refresher: Danielle is a single mother and possibly a one-time "prostitution whore." She's the subject of a book called "Cop Without A Badge." Sisters Caroline and Dina (who are definitely family, though some claim are also "family") started a mini-crusade to out Danielle's past all over the ritzy Franklin Lakes, New Jersey community last season. Their sister-in-law Jacqueline was Danielle's seemingly only friend and defended her at last season's finale. Teresa is the spunky, raven-haired lady with practically no forehead. Seriously. It's just like hairline, eyebrows. Boom. Just like that. She infamously flipped a table during last season's finale when Danielle brought out "the book" and spent the rest of the season trying to get her three daughters into showbiz (no comment). She also built a house made entirely out of marble, onyx and granite.
But that was the past and, even though Danielle claimed last season that the present was very much in the past (juh?), we've got a new season with new drama. And Danielle's got a new weave.
Here's what all went down:
Since we've last left Caroline her husband Albert has lost like a ton a weight. He had a health scare and dropped it using what Jacqueline called a "rubber band." So, either he's snapping it against his wrist to control a food addiction or she meant to say he's got a lap-band, a la Al Roker. They're gearing up to host a benefit dinner for the sheriff at their home, which is totally a normal thing people do all the time for law enforcement officials when they're not involved in organized crime, right? Right. To help clear the yard of doggy droppings, they enlist the help of their son's college roommate/daughter's boyfriend, Vito. Now, full Italian-American disclosure, I am SO Italian-American that I went to high school with Vito and his family owns the Italian deli in my town where my mother would purchase her braciole for Sunday Sauce.
And speaking of Sunday sauce, Teresa and her brood of Lohans-in-the-making are preparing the year's worth of red sauce. (Fun fact: Apparently, women who are having their time of the month are not allowed to help make the sauce.) T, not to be confused with this T of Sicilian descent, is pregnant with her fourth child and her juicy husband is hoping for a boy.
Also pregnant? Jacqueline. It's sort of nice since last season her struggle with fertility was a storyline. She gives birth to a beautiful bambino named Nicholas, who I am sure will be called Nicky growing up. Trust. Her 18-year-old daughter has an older boyfriend now and she has a very uncomfortable, but sort of awesome conversation with both of them on camera about using birth control. Good for her. Then, in a moment totally not set-up by producers of this show I'm sure, her husband tells her he doesn't want Jacqueline to hang out with Danielle anymore.
Dina has found Buddha or something and has forgiven Danielle for whatever happened. Now she doesn't let negativity into her life. I'm sure that will last.
Of course, the star of the show will always be Danielle and she starts this episode, I kid you not, yelling at a priest. I'm not entirely clear what she was doing there, (asking to learn how to pray for people who've wronged her? OK, fine.), but this guy sort of wasn't having it. So she yells. At a priest. A lot. Then she heads to a boutique where she has a running tab (which I'm very convinced she will pay promptly in full). The woman who owns the boutique is all playing besties with Danielle, but later at Caroline's sheriff payoff benefit, boutique owner tells Caroline, Teresa, Dina and Jacqueline that she's not Danielle's friend and more or less thinks she's a prostitution whore through and through. Yeah, lady, way to keep it classy. Danielle heard about the benefit from her pedicurist and piles her 11- and 15-year-old daughters into the car to just drive by Caroline's house and see the turnout. Obviously there's no good way that's going to end, and eventually her daughters are able to convince her to turn around. In her interview, Danielle says OF COURSE the new Danielle didn't go, but the old Danielle would have. Considering she was already in her Range Rover on her way there WITH HER KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT, I'd say we're dealing with an older model.
The rest of this season looks completely nuts. I think there might be a stabbing? Or a gun? I don't know. I'm sure Jacqueline will struggle to maintain a relationship with Danielle despite her husband's (and sisters-in-law's) objections.
I'll be here to blog the whole friggin' thing for you.
